His eyes opened wide and a smile spread across his face. His mother had spent the last three and half years getting to know her son, and yet at that moment the look on his face puzzled her, it wasn't one she'd seen before and it made her wonder what he'd say next.
Then he spoke, a simple sentence "Mama, today I sat with Bailey".
At that moment his mother fought hard not to cry, she wanted to cry because he was so happy, because it was time, and because it shouldn't be this hard. Something as simple as a child being allowed to sit on a table with his friend to have a snack should not be this hard, and yet for him it is.
The decision to start 3YO Kinder this year has had incredible highs and extreme lows, the lowest moment being the day they held a breakfast event. I watched Harper as he watched 22 other children. He watched as they screamed with excitement, fighting over who they were going to sit with.
I lead Harper to a small table pushed into the corner, where he sat with me alone. I tried to distract him but it was no use. I couldn't get his attention. couldn't break his gaze. So instead I watched, I watched as he didn't take his eyes off the other children.
The other children didn't look at us, and Harper didn't ask me why he had to sit alone, I guess he's use to it, but after that day he told me he didn't want me to stay at kinder again.
Being a mother brings a lifetime full of moments where you have to let go, moments you have to put trust into others, put trust into your child, and pray everything will work out. Learning to loosen the reins is hard, but sometimes necessary.
My baby Bear, I'm so happy you can now sit with your friend, I'm so sorry it took me so long to let you. I'm just scared, the thought of something happening to you terrifies me. Sometimes the fear is overwhelming, it consumes me. I hope you don't remember feeling so isolated, I wish it wasn't like this. I'd do anything to take your allergies from you, but I can't. Baby steps. I love you.